fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
whose parrot is this?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
