Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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