i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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