nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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