Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
