I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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