She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
