god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
These tits shall not be calmed
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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