Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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