Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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