I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
