Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
