Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
