I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
