someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
