My balls are so social today.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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