Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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