I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
