Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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