The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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