Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
