Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
