if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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