Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
