so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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