he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
