Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
