I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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