I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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