I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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