im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
