Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
