it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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