She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My vagina is officially offended.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize