I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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