I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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