my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
