i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
