Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
