Ketchup is God's man juice
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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