Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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