You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
