Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
