I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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