we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We have started to decorate penises.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
