so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
