make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
