Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
