just tell him i said nine months
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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