god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
