just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
