My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
