It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
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This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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