So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
