My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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