i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
