this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
