I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
