remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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